Because I was saving them, I've got another short one.
Me: George’s family is staying at the same place, so you don’t need to rent a car, you can just ride with them back and forth.
Dad: That's a great idea! Spend the whole friken day with a gaggle O' Lib's and then I get to commute with 'em too. Wow! You're really smart.
Me: Oh, my bad. Let me go reserve a nice, expensive, gas-guzzling car, and then you can pay for it with the wads of cash just falling out of your pockets all the time. I’ll get right on it.
Dad: Now Now Now! Lets not get hasty. I was just sayin.
(My brother joined in with what he wanted for Thanksgiving; he is still in Afghanistan. Dad started complaining about his job and wanted to go to Afghanistan on another job offer.)
Dad: Tony says that weight watchers is a condition of my employment. He says that he's going to get the instructors name and pay her to call him and let him know if I showed up and if I lost weight. It's OK though. I'm going to pay her more.
Matt: See, I knew it. What, are people saying you are too fat to work?
Dad: NO! Tony and Trish and the kids want me to loose weight.
Matt: Everyone wants that including your future grandkids, plus michelle is having a boy finally.
Dad: No shit. We must make every effort to insure the boy gets involved in the proper endeavors in life. None of that comic book crap.
Matt: It's going to be hard considering Michelle and George and where he is growing up.
Dad: A couple of well timed fishing and or hunting trips and the boy will be seduced by the correct side. He'll have the advantage of testosterone in his blood. That's what makes guys way smarter than women.
Matt: That's true. He does have 1/2 Burman blood, so that's good.
Dad: Hell, 1/4 is enough for greatness if proper influences are brought to bear.
Matt: I need you to make me some fudge, like at least 2 batches and send it over here.
Dad: In the first place, I don't remember the recipe and will have to get it from Tanna or Beth or Michelle. In the second place, I've recommitted to my WW diet program and you're asking me to spend an hour or two over a couple of simmering hot pan loads of "Mom's Special White Trash" fudge. Hey, you know what else would be a good idea? How about I test smoke a pack of Marlboro's for ya!
I have an idea. How about you involve Michelle and Tanna and Beth and maybe even that dumb broad I used to be chained to, or even that woman who mistreated you so badly as a child by making you drink out of the same hose that Johnny used to fill his pesticide tank with when you were a tired and thirsty little boy? See if you can get each of them to cook you up a batch and you can decide who's is best. They're all dopes anyway and you could just email them separately claiming that theirs was the best. Judy's has nuts! (Like that's a surprise). Heck, maybe we could even get Ethel to make some if you don't mind carrots in your fudge.
Mom chiming in: Matt, I will make you some fudge when you least expect it!
Dad: That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.
- (no subject)