Oh, Hasbro, you let Sommers, Beattie, and Elliot bend you over and violate you.
--Baroness and Duke: the whole thing made me actually look away from the screen. Like, I wanted to throw up. It's the damn Baroness, and Duke. SICK. It might have been better if she double-crossed him in the end, but no. We get another sick, sick smooch.
--Destro was...hmm, rather cool. And then Cobra Commander made him his bitch!! That was way cool!
--Cobra Commander...what? Rex (which was a stupid background anyway) made an amazing Dr. Mindbinder, and then they made him into Cobra Commander? WHAT?
--Scarlett is an airhead. I do not like.
--Scarlett leans on Snake Eyes during briefings, he has his hand on her shoulder during checks, she saves him and vice versa...then HOLLYWOOD HAS TO SHOEHORN AN INTERRACIAL ROMANCE INTO IT AND MAKES HER KISS RIPCORD!! Super WTF??? It's the ONE canon romance. And they ruin it with this whole, "You make me all emotional, you big strong Ripcord man..." It hurt. It really did.
--They killed Cover Girl. After barely using her. Ouch. Very ouch, baby. But what a truly awesome way to go.
--Excuse me, Snake Eyes doesn't talk because his vocal cords are damaged after trying to save Scarlett from a helicopter crash. It's not because of his vow of silence after Storm Shadow killed their sensei. But I suppose backstory that is NOT ABOUT THE BARONESS AND DUKE'S TRUU WUV is a waste of time.
--Why...does Snake Eyes...have molded lips on his face mask. When..he...doesn't...talk? Do we have lip readers on the Joe team? Maybe he was supposed to kiss Scarlett with them and they cut it! I wish.
--Zartan. Was. Awesome.
--Storm Shadow. Was. Also. Awesome.
--Everybody. Else. Was. Mostly. Suck.
--Except Heavy Duty and Breaker. Even with the serious accents. Okay, well, Snake Eyes also heavily rocked, and we all know he is planning on offing Ripcord for touching his woman. It will just happen off-screen. In my dreams. Tonight.
--A lot of the guns/machines/vehicles/etc were pretty true to the toyline, which was nice. Kinda wish the previews hadn't shown the Eiffel Tower, because that was little more than halfway through and it was supposed to be a big, dramatic scene. Yet you know what will happen.
--BEST car chase. Snake Eyes is completely awesome in it. As in most of the movie.
Anyway, for big parts of it I was able to forget my issues, which made it eminently watchable as even a G.I. JOE movie. I just had to close my eyes for a couple scenes, rewrite like two scenes in my head, and then disregard the ending for about the last half hour.
Ugh. Thank God I already ordered the trade reprints on Larry Hama's awesome comic series to get the taste out of my mouth.
- (no subject)